Tuesday, May 1, 2012

and then.....

"I pulled away to face the pain.. and I close my eyes and drift away over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul....." [evanescence]

OK, now that you've had your sexual assault infomercial for the day (I shouldn't make light of it, but I laugh at everything. Get used to it), I want to talk about me. Me me me me....

and you know, what I'm actually dealing with right now. And what's going on in my life.

I refuse to ever say I'm at rock bottom because that's like inviting the depths of hell to reach up through "rock bottom" and grab you and kick you in the ass and laugh at you really hard.
Knock on wood.
But, I'd say... in the past 4 years I've come very close to rock bottom a lot of times. Maybe I hit it. Maybe I went beneath it right into hell for a long time.

In doing so I dragged a few people with me. Some people refused to go. Some people managed to hold my hand and still stay afloat. Some people walked away. Some people suffered a lot.
I feel pretty bad about that.
But it's part of that nasty lying disease, you know? You don't even understand how it affects people. First off, you believe nobody cares, so you don't believe you could hurt anyone with your behavior.
That's one of the biggest and one of the first lies you will tell yourself when you're depressed.
I find myself telling it daily. Still.

I'm not cured or even on my way to better at this point. You should know that. You're reading the blog of a severely damaged and depressed person. I haven't clawed my way to the surface, but I think that writing about it will not only bring some awareness to the problem and hopefully help a) people who are depressed and b) people who care about people who are depressed.

I.... feel totally alone. And like a terrible mother. When I got up the guts to tell my mom what had happened (the second assault by the same guy), I had to do it through email, and I made myself scarce until she told me she had read it.
And to my surprise, though she's rather stoic about the whole thing, she just asked me what would be the best way to help me out. And right now that means she's taking the kids most nights, and I see them during the day, once I drag myself out of my bed. If.
If I don't, she brings them to my house and then I drag myself out of bed... long enough to pretend like I'm okay, and then I get back in bed, offer the kids a movie and a snack and try to snuggle happily with them, but it often turns into a screaming match because they jump on the bed, fight, pull hair, and crunch crackers into my newly washed sheets.

Clearly I am not totally alone.
My family is being so supportive. I have "internet friends" who have been and are being amazing.
I even have one or two friends around here who have made it clear that they are there for me, but how do you ask for help when you don't know how to feel better? Or what will help you out of your big, gigantic hole?

Sleeping it off probably isn't ever going to make anything better, but I haven't been able to do anything else yet.

I know from experience that one of these days (it almost happened today) I will jump up and say "fuck you, self, you are being a stupid motherfucker, and you have late bills and phone calls to make and a house to clean and your pets might be starving, and your kids deserve to remember you in a better way than this!"

Obviously I have these thoughts, but making them transfer from my brain to actual body motion, viable actions, etc... that's the really hard part with depression. And anxiety, because I have anxiety about making phone calls. And getting out of bed. And living without certain people who have vacated my life and I cannot get back.

I miss Dan. So, so much. It doesn't make sense that the pain of losing him completely overrides everything else I'm going through, but it DOES. I  can shrug my shoulders at sexual assault , I can cry for a few days about a miscarriage and severe mental and emotional trauma, but....
Missing him feels like dying over and over and over and fucking over.
And little by little, just like every time, I lose strength ... and the next time I have a drink or stay up too late alone or let myself think about it.. I give a piece of myself back to that situation. A piece that I need.
And I really don't know how to fix that. I know it's my fault. But I don't know how to stop.
I feel like if I had his calm, strong presence, I would be able to be calm and strong too. I always was, around him. I was at peace.

But I can't put that burden on him. I can't say "Damn, I need to feel better so I need you to be here for me". That's not fair.

Instead I have to start focusing on what to do next in life, so that I feel like there's something to wake up for. Because right now, it doesn't feel like it. It feels my kids would be fine without me. It feels like I'm a burden on everyone but them. It feels like I'm useless because I've been job hunting for months with no success.
And for some reason, it feels like a betrayal to talk about a new, different future. to talk about forging the path alone, still, because I expected and wanted NOT to be alone by now. I don't want to believe that this might be MY LIFE, for the rest of my life. Raising two kids without someone to love me.

But because it is what IS, right now, I have to. And god, that is a PAINFUL, soul-wrenching thing for me to say. It's keeping me from setting goals. It's keeping me from saying out loud the things that are in my head, the good things thatI could do for myself. That on good days, I want to do for myself and my kids. Like... *deep breath.. why is this so HARD?!* ... getting my GED. Applying for FAFSA. Looking for a place in Cedar City. Looking for information on what kind of financial aid I can and would get if I was going to school. Thinking about.. a degree in psychology... becoming a midwife... helping women who go through the shit I'm going through now.

Most days I hate myself for letting the lying bastard take over my life. For letting it take away my ability to be a good mom, a good friend, a good daughter. For letting it ruin my relationship with the man I've loved the most in my 27 yrs on earth (and probably always will love the most).
I'm scared that it will always and forever ruin the only good things I have.
I don't know if it's something I can beat...
And if it isn't, then what?

I don't want any trite "you can beat it" comments... Because like cancer, sometimes will to survive isn't enough anymore. Sometimes the will to fight it and beat it isn't going to make it go away. There will be good days and bad days, and ultimately I don't know if this thing will kill me early, or ruin the rest of my life be it long or short... or if somehow, someday, something will help me turn a corner, and I will start having more good days, and I will stop wanting out of this body and this world. And I won't cry every day, for missing someone so much. Maybe just every other day, or eventually maybe once a week, or eventually never, even if I feel pain when I think about his absence.

I don't know what's going to happen. But ya'll need to know that I'm trying. This is just another day in the life of someone with a very painful disease.

"I can't go on living this way. But I can't go back the way I came, chained to this fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul. And I will wander til the end of time...half alive without you." [lyrics from My Heart Is Broken - evanescence]

1 comment:

  1. it makes me happy that you're trying. please don't stop trying. please. love you...