Saturday, April 28, 2012

I Hate You for Not Acknowledging My Disease

Seriously. Fuck you.

I have clinical depression and severe anxiety. Top that off with a heavy dose of RTS (rape - or sexual assault - trauma syndrome) that's come and gone since the age of 7 and current PTSD and you've got a real hot mess.

I mean, basically someone that, with any other disease as serious, would be on life support 24/7 in the hospital. Not expected to care for anyone including themselves. And being cared for, constantly. People would visit (probably but... hell, maybe they wouldn't). People would worry, cry, make arrangements, pray in church, tell me I'm brave and strong for making it this far.

Instead, I get told that I am weak. An annoyance. A whiner.

Let's put this in perspective and just replace "Depression/Anxiety/PTSD/RTS" with "Terminal Cancer" (they have about the same survival rate). And this is what I'm dealing with.

"You whine too much. If you just had a better perspective, your cancer would go away."

"You're not trying hard enough to get rid of your cancer."

"Get some more sunshine, exercise more and you'll be fine."

"Why do you have such a hard time getting up in the morning and doing the things you  need to do? There is nothing WRONG with you."

"Maybe if you just got on a better schedule... Can't you try getting up earlier or something... reset your body clock? If you slept more you'd be fine."

"Really, I'm tired of you texting me the same shit about how you're suffering when you haven't done enough to get rid of your cancer. Taking all the recommended meds, plus all of the natural remedies to be found, plus a hard-earned better perspective and attitude on life isn't enough proof for me that you're trying and I'm really just tired of hearing about it."

"It hurts me for you to talk about your cancer. Would you please stop? Don't you realize how you're hurting people by having this disease?"

"Maybe if you got a job you'd feel better.."

"You're just too needy. I'm sorry. Learn to take care of yourself and people will like you more."

"It's really offensive how much you mention your cancer and the side-effects on facebook, so much so that people talk about it behind your back. constantly."

and when I finally get tired of hearing these things, when they bring my morale down to the point where my health starts to fail even further or I feel like giving in to the disease and yes, letting go of this life, and I say "fuck you guys, for being so insensitive about this.. maybe I could have made it if I'd had a better support system"...

People say.. "Fuck you, for being sick. You can't expect us to deal with that, REALLY. Can you? Especially when you're just so ANGRY about it."

How's that perspective coming????

I want to post about something else that ties in for ME, but not everyone, and this needs to stand alone to speak for depression. Chew on it for a while, see what you think. Especially the next time someone close to you announces that they have cancer.

1 comment:

  1. i wanted to let you know how strong i think you are. and, to say that while i don't believe i've ever said any of the words above to you, that i understand you may have perceived my message as one of those quotes. i know that perception is reality, though, and i want to apologize for any of my words that may have hurt you or made you feel the way you express in this post. i'm intent with any of my words was to try to comfort.

    i don't know if any of this was written with me in mind...but if there's one iota of a chance it was, i'm very very sorry. i have not lived with this disease and i do not fully understand it. so...i'm sorry.