I'm going to be REAL here for a minute.
I'm always real, but sometimes I try to really put my best foot forward on my blogs. I want to be inspirational. I want people to say "yeaaaah.... yeah, I feel better now! I'm gonna go conquer the fuckin world!" after they read my posts.
OK, that's a little much.
But I really don't want people to walk away going "what a fucking drag."
Well, too bad, tonight. Cause I'm going to be a drag.
The fact is, we live in such a fucking unrealistic world that it's.. fucking unrealistic.
I've learned in my 27 years on earth that people don't like you unless you are perpetually happy.
OK, let me rephrase. Unless you ACT perpetually happy. Your mom just died? Cry a little, but tell me a funny joke and say it's all okay because *I* can't handle the fact that you might not be okay.
Everyone has to be okay all the time.
Nobody knows how to handle "not okay".
"Not okay" is for Prozac, therapists, and psych wards.
Not for friends or boyfriends.
Not for family, even. It's not okay to be not okay.
And THAT, my friends, is NOT O-FUCKING-KAY.
Grow the fuck up.
Nobody is okay all the time.
If you are, you got yours comin to you, trust me.
And when it does, after you've laughed at all of us who weren't okay at some point.. when youv'e pushed us away because the ugliness of "not okay" was too much for you.. when we were honest about our feelings and you thought it meant we were self-centered and just wanted pity?
Well... here's the thing.
We'll probably still be there for you. Because those of us who've been "not okay" a lot... we know that we can't abandon those who aren't okay. Even those who are new to it. Even those who by every right, don't deserve even a fucking pat on the back or a hug after the way they treated "not okay" people at some point.
But if we aren't....
and if at some point you find yourself alone with nowhere to turn.. with people saying horrible things about you, simply because you are sad...
if at some point, you feel you just can't keep going, because you're so NOT okay?
Just remember this....
If we'd all just been real with each other to begin with, we'd all be a lot more okay right now.
I'm not going to put on a fucking fake happy face for you...
I hope you won't do that for me either, because that's not what I need in my life. I need real. I need tragic. I need happy when you'r ehappy, I need sad when you're sad. I need girlfriends that I can hold in bed while we both cry about how shitty life is. I need someone to understand when I say I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE and to just hope I'm still doing it tomorrow. Because usually when I say that... I know.. I still have to do it. I just need you to love me, and to understand.
Is there anywhere in this world that I can be real and be loved?
If not, i'd like to check out, now.
If so, please lead the way.......